Thank you to everyone who has ever emailed me or responded to any of my blogs. I appreciate your presence in our blog and writing these blogs helps me as much as I hope it helps you.
I am currently reading a book by Curtrice Williams titled “This isn’t it – Reviving the Woman Within” and it has inspired me to write this blog. I have dedicated the next few months to learning and going deeper into the subject of self love and this is why I am reading this book. It is part of this journey.
So I am going through this beautiful process of loving myself, discovering what I want and what makes me truly happy. A lot of things and changes have taken place in my life. There were times when things were so hard I didn’t think I would make it. Nothing made sense and the pain was overwhelming and confusing. I am not writing about this because I want to open up old wounds or bring attention to the past but I am aware that my journey, pain and experience was for a special reason.
One of the reasons is that God wants me to help other women who are going through difficult times, it might be because of a failed relationship, loss, an unfulfilled dream or the feeling of incomplete happiness. We have different experiences so the list can go on and on but the bottom line is that you may be struggling with pain that you don’t want in your life.
I receive many emails from women who are going through some kind of struggle, they ask me how I managed to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. I am no expert. I will just share the things that have worked for me, things that continue to work for me as I am still on the journey of healing and self discovery.
I have made many mistakes and did things I am not proud of because of pain but I do not sit here today beating myself up about those things. I have prayed and asked for forgiveness. I have also forgiven myself. Forgiving yourself means you are no longer going to bring up past events and bash yourself over them. It is in the past, pray for those you’ve hurt, even if they hurt you more and forgive them and yourself.
Acceptance is one of the things that helped me move forward. It is important to understand and accept that things are the way they are meant to be. Now, I never said that things are meant to be the way YOU want them to be or how you wish they were. You are in the situation you are right now and yes it’s causing you pain and you wish things were different but they aren’t. Accept!! Stop resisting. You’ll only cause yourself more pain. Accept the situation as it is. Don’t create other scenarios in your head. Don’t lie to yourself to make the situation look better. Accept it for what it is. I know you might want to escape reality because it hurts but it’s better to face it head on.
The thing about accepting things for what they are is that it prepares you for making tough decisions. You are allowed to hurt and cry. We all do but you also need to make tough decisions. Do I stay here and cry forever or do I start doing something about it? I had to make that decision and I decided to choose ME. I said “Zinhle, you can sit and cry forever or you can start healing yourself and creating a new situation for yourself.” I knew it was not going to be easy, there are moments when I have set backs but I’m on a journey of creating a better reality for myself. So it’s a simple choice. You can absorb yourself in pain or you can start doing something about changing yourself.
I did it all. I googled books, watches YouTube videos, listened to audio books and even researched mind control techniques. You are what you think so I had to start working on my thoughts.
Pay attention. When we have a headache, we know which medication to take and we jump right on to it to heal ourselves but when we are in pain emotionally, we sit and wait, hoping that the pain will go away on its own. It won’t! You’ll hear people say, it’s been 5 years and I’m still hurting. No!!!!
You need to treat your emotional pain. How I did it was by listening to anything that gave me hope. I absorbed myself in positive situations. No I didn’t sit at home the whole day and cry, I took my child for a walk, worked on my body so I can feel good, listened to TD Jakes & Robin Sharma, I read the specific books, I listened to self affirmation tapes and I had positive conversations with my friends. Another thing I did very well was eliminate anything that pushed me back into the painful situation until I fully ready to face it. I shut specific people out, I deleted all social media from my phone, I didn’t listen to radio or watch TV. I only exposed my mind to beautiful things. I see no point in watching a sad movie when you are in pain, I see no point in watching news if half of the things they report on are sad. I watched what I let my mind absorb. I only exposed myself to positivity and happiness.
Please know that I had setbacks but I was determined, I still am. You will fail and fall but get back right up and focus on the goal of complete healing and happiness.
Another thing that helps me is paying attention to my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I would feel a certain way or see something that would break me apart and I would allow myself to feel the feeling it came with. I will then ask myself why this affects me and what I do to change it. I will acknowledge the feeling and then decide that I don’t want it in my life. Talking out loud is say “I acknowledge this feeling but I don’t want it, it doesn’t belong to me, therefore I release it. I am letting it go. I don’t want to feel this way ever again”.
Yes, it doesn’t work the first time but trust me, repetition does wonders for the mind. You will hear it so often that you will start believing it. Remember, you are what you think. Pay attention to the things you think about, the things you say to yourself. You’ll be shocked at how unkind you can be to yourself.
Something else you need to start doing is getting into the habit of replacing bad thoughts with positive ones. The reason we don’t move on with our lives is because we spend too much time thinking about the bad situation. It’s normal but you need to be aware of it so you can stop focusing your mind, attention and energies on a situation or feeling you do not want.
What I do is, I have made up 5 questions that I have to answer to change the direction of my thoughts. So if I think of something or see something that upsets me and I know I have to change my thoughts, I then go over the questions. I force myself to answer these questions until my mind is completely off the negative thought. These are my questions.
- What am I grateful for?
- What do I absolutely love about myself?
- What makes me proud to be me?
- What am I looking forward to?
- What are my goals for myself emotionally?
I am sure you have noticed how much I have been working, this is a conscious decision. I wrote down the things that are positive about my life and I am giving them a 100% of my attention. These things are Kairo, my happiness, my work, my blog, my family and friends.
Trust me when I say that I am fully absorbed in these things. I am not compromising or allowing anything that does not fit into these things to filter into my life. I am in full concentration. So much that I do not allow friends of family to talk about anything or anyone that is part of anything that bring me sadness. Again, I have setback every once in a while but I am so aware that even when I allow negative energies into my space I do what I can to get back to the right space and thought. I am so good at it now that an energy that is negative is easily recognisable because of how heavy it feels.
If someone or something brings that kind of energy, I remove them from my space. I know it sounds drastic but this is your wellbeing we are talking about. You cannot let anybody stand in the way of that. Remember, this is the time to focus on YOU. Don’t compromise yourself for anyone.
Count your blessings… How great are we at complaining and focusing on the negative side of our lives? Stop it! That doesn’t do you any good. You are breathing right now, that’s a blessing!!! Stop undermining your blessings. Every night before you fall asleep, count your blessings. I want to teach this to Kairo so when I am rocking her to sleep, we pray. We thank God for the blessings, naming them one by one. We thank God for different things, some of the things I can think of now are: Kairo’s life, the bed we sleep on, mama’s work, Kairo’s milk, Kairo’s health and laughter, our beautiful home, the happiness in our lives, mama’s team at work, our family, friends…. So right now, write down 10 things you are grateful for. Some people pray for more blessings when they can’t even appreciate what they have right now. Practice gratitude.
Lastly, my latest revelation was this. I know very well what I don’t want but I hadn’t specified what it that I want. Be specific. You know you don’t want to be in pain. You know you want things to get better but how about you write down the results you want and think about each and everyone of them giving them a feeling. Here are some of the things I want:
I want complete happiness.
I want to forgive everyone who has hurt me including myself.
I want success at work.
I want to help women find their independence and happiness.
I want to be peaceful.
I want peace.
I do not want to be affected by other people’s actions or words because the complete truth is that they have nothing to do with me even if they are directed at me.
It’s part of their universe, their good/bad karma, their own struggles/victories or their own unhappiness/happiness.
I want my actions to be completely about what makes me happy and satisfied, not about affecting or moving the next person.
I want to feel good about myself.
I want to know without a doubt that I am capable of amazing things and that to God I am whole.
Looking at the list above, I can tell you now that most of the things on the list are already part of my life and I am happy and healing.
You might not feel like it right now but trust me when I say you are a FORCE! You are more powerful than you can imagine. You are bigger than the situation you find yourself in. If you understood and knew your worth you’d know that the place you are in right now is undermining your true power.
Meet your power and invest in loving yourself fully. I have started living this way and the most amazing thing is that I am attracting like minded people into my life. I am surrounded by positive, successful and happy people who are enlightened.
Wishing you all the best on your journey to complete healing and happiness.
What a beautiful day!
God bless you.